Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation
by Darkshines1984
Summary: Post 3x14 Regina contemplates Emma because of her and Henry's conversation by the duck pond. (I know it's a bit late sorry but I started it after the episode and then shelved it for a couple of weeks due to other commitments).


**Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation**

**Fandon:** Once Upon a Time

**Pairing:** Swan Queen (Emma and Regina)

**Rating:** T for language

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing apart from the laptop it was written on.

**Summary:** Post 3x14 Regina contemplates Emma because of her and Henry's conversation by the duck pond.

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Regina tossed her black woollen coat haphazardly over the wooden stand, throwing her black scarf and kicking her black heels off in the same direction. It was the sort of disorganised and messy behaviour she would have once scolded Henry for back when he actually remembered who she was. Later, or maybe tomorrow morning, she would probably care enough to tidy her belongings up but for now all she wanted to do was open a bottle of scotch and curl up into a ball somewhere.

Every day since she had saved the town from Pan's curse had been emotional fuckery. First of all she had awoken to find herself in Storybrooke still when she expected to be in the Enchanted Forest. Her hopes of the curse being one terrible dream dashed when she realised both Emma and Henry had indeed gone and now had no memory of her or anyone else in the town. Then had come the revelation that Snow White was weeks away from giving birth so therefore they were missing time. To top it off there were not only new people in town but other people were randomly disappearing.

Part of her hadn't cared about whatever new curse had befallen them. It didn't matter where she was; Storybrooke of Fairy Tale Land, all that mattered was that Henry was no longer there with her. It wasn't just Henry she had longed for though. It was painful to admit, even to herself, but she had missed his birth mother too. She, Regina the Evil Queen, missed Emma Swan the Saviour. There had been times during their short absence that she had seriously considered removing her heart from her chest just to try and numb the pain a bit. The only thing that had stopped her was the promise she had made to Henry about trying to be a better person. She just wished being a better person was less hard.

After days of misery she had walked into Granny's diner yesterday morning and there they both where. She probably should have been angry with the blond for not seeking her out and warning her they were back but she had been too shell shocked to feel anything other than pain. Her son was there but he didn't remember her. It felt like a blade in her chest and for the briefest of seconds she thought she may faint before getting some sort of a handle on herself.

Then Emma had removed her from the awkward situation like a white night and tried to comfort her. Emma remembered everything. Emma wanted to work together to make Henry remember and to figure out what was happening to everyone. Emma believed her that she had nothing to do with casting the curse. Emma.

"Emma."

Regina mumbled the name on her mind out loud. It was so comfortable to say, so easy to let slip out. It tasted sweet on the tip of her tongue. Not like the name of the boyfriend Henry had told her about at the duck pond. Walsh. That name had stuck in her throat and tasted like poison. As if it wasn't hard enough trying to contend with the emotional turmoil of having to get to know her son all over again in the guise of a stranger with the possibility he may never regain his former memories. Now if her brain wasn't torturing her over Henry it was tormenting her over his damn mother. There was apparently no rest for the wicked and if Rumpelstiltskin was right then there was no happy ending's either.

She walked straight past the kitchen, ignoring her need to eat and headed straight into her study. She had a bottle of 18 years matured scotch in her drinks cabinet and she opened it and poured herself a very generous portion. It was the sort of vintage scotch you should sip and savour but she really needed something to dull her senses so instead she knocked the entirety of the glass back. The way it burned down her throat felt oddly cathartic so she poured herself another equally large measure of the liquid and sat down in the leather chair behind her desk. She had carried her cell phone through to the study with her and she tossed it haphazardly on the desk in case her magical services were needed. More than likely though it was going to be yet another evening alone with no idea how to fill it other than letting her mind run away with her.

At least she had been distracted the evening before. She had spent most of the evening sat in Emma's awful little yellow car on a stakeout before the blond had persuaded her to come back to the apartment and 'meet' Henry. In fact they had spent most of the day together...and it had been pleasant. There had been no fighting or arguing, just a general sense of comradeship and maybe a hint of affection? Or maybe that was just her wishful thinking.

The blond had been an enigma to her from the word go. Emma had come crashing into her life and her town like a tornado. Everything the younger woman represented had terrified Regina and she didn't do well at handling fear or apprehension. So rather than being smart about the way she had handled Emma she had instead just tried to fight fire with fire. She had tried to be a tornado too and it had failed miserably. Every small victory just brought the blond back for another fight and in the end Regina had seemingly won every battle along the way and still managed to lose the war. The curse had been broken and Henry had been ripped from her as much as she had scared him away.

Looking back Regina knew that her fight had always been a little half hearted. She had enjoyed butting heads with Emma far too much and hated her far too little to ever go as far as to destroy her. Even the sleeping curse had been a weak attempt with disastrous consequences. She had found the blond an intriguing and attractive opponent. It had been somewhere around the time Emma had rather audaciously took a chainsaw to her precious apple tree that she had become confused whether she wanted to kill her or fuck her. They always seemed to argue in places where there were surfaces, like in the sheriff's station of the Mayor's office. It had been very distracting.

The two extremes of emotion she had felt towards the blond had carried on right through until the point of Emma breaking the curse. Then instead of trying to hurt her Emma had protected her not once but three times. Emma had stopped the mob from killing her, Emma had come to her rescue in the Sheriff's station when the Wraith attacked and then later in the town hall Emma had pushed her to safety when the portal was open. It had left Regina very confused, especially when the younger woman had been sucked into the portal for her trouble.

Regina had felt guilty enough to try and help get Emma back even though that meant helping Snow White too. She had mainly done it for Henry but she was aware of the fact she owed his birth mother too. It could have been and should have been her who was sucked into that portal. She'd have been alone and at the mercy of her manipulative mother. So yes she had owed Emma.

Then when the blond had returned safe and sound offering Regina a chance to prove herself it had been easy to fall under the younger woman's spell. She needed Emma to believe in her because getting Emma onside meant having access to Henry but it had become more than just that. She had wanted Emma to believe in her because the blond wasn't just fun to fight and a pleasure to look at. Emma was more than her two dimensional black and white fairy tale parents. She was three dimensional HD and she saw everything in brilliant technicolour. Even back then Regina had been able to recognise that she was developing feelings for the blond.

Then it all went to hell when the Charming family had accused her of Archie's murder. With hindsight Regina wished she hadn't run. Looking back she knew that if she had swallowed her pride and begged for Emma to listen to her then the blond would have looked into her eyes and believed her. If she had been brave enough she could have stood her ground and Emma would have fought for her. She had took the cowards way out though and hid. Another poor choice she had made with terrible consequences. It had made her vulnerable just like her mother wanted and Cora had pounced on her like a predator does its prey. There was no Emma or Henry to pull her back until too late. They were off playing happy families with Rumpel's son, Henry's father, in New York.

Now she was back to the topic of Emma and her suitors again. Apparently they were all lining up for the blond. She had her 'Walsh' in New York, her pining pirate and Neal, the pathetic excuse for a man who happened to be Henry's birth father. At least with Neal and Hook she had seen Emma brush them off and she knew all their few pro's and many cons. Sure she had been jealous at times, she'd even accidently implied her jealousy over both men whilst they had been searching for Henry in Neverland. This 'Walsh' who Henry mentioned though...she didn't have a face or a fault to put with the name. All she knew was that Henry said he made Emma happy and that he had asked her to marry him. It made her feel physically sick just thinking about it.

She could put an exact time and place to the moment her feelings towards the blond deepened into this terrible longing she now felt. It had been down in the mines when Emma had escorted her to try and delay the trigger. It was in that moment when Regina thought they were saying goodbye and Emma actually seemed sad about it that she realised quite how deep her feeling ran. That was the moment of awakening anyway. Then the Charming clan had returned to try and transport the trigger through a portal and she and Emma had used their magic to destroy the device. She had never felt a connection like that before, it had been electrifying. Emma must have felt it too but they had never discussed it. Why would they? It probably made the blond feel uncomfortable.

So much had happened since that day in the mines. They had shared the same goal searching for Henry in Neverland and they had shared the same fears. They had shared the same space for days and days and it had been bearable...more than bearable. Snow White and Charming's superiority complex had been as frustrating as she had expected, Hook's continuous attempts at ensnaring the blond had been predictable and nauseating but Emma...Emma had been on a whole caring, considerate and easy to deal with. The only lapse had been during one of their magic lessons when the blond had called her a monster. It had been the result of her batting the younger woman to try and tap into her magic but the barb had still stung. It had found its mark.

Neverland had brought about a serious positive change in their relationship and that was the way they dealt with Henry. No longer were they scrapping over whose son he was but now he was being referred to as 'our son'. Rather than enemies competing for his affection they had become a team. There had been group hugs between the three of them and an acceptance that they both meant the world to their son. That's what made the enforced separation brought about by Pan's recasting of the curse even harder. Not only had she finally proven herself to Henry and won back his love but she had also found the thing she had always craved for since she had been a child; a family. Just as soon as she had gotten that family it was being torn away from her.

Yesterday she had allowed herself to believe she could have that family back if only she could find a way to make Henry remember. Tonight, she isn't so sure. Ironically she thinks Henry would stay, even without his memories, as he genuinely seemed to like Storybrooke. She could even see the two of them bonding; in fact they had already started. Yesterday she thought if there was a reason Emma would chose to leave it would be for Henry and his friends and happy life in New York. Today she has learnt the blond could leave to return to someone she cared about or maybe even loves. Or perhaps Emma would try to bring this Walsh to Storybrooke and Regina would have to see their happiness day in and day out. She didn't know if she could cope with that.

She didn't know if she could cope because even though she knew she cared for Emma before the blond had been forced to leave nothing could have prepared Regina for the way she felt in the moments she watched the blond and her son drive away. There was a quote she had read years before when she had been studying her new world.

'_Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.'_

Regina had experienced it twice now; once with Daniel and now with Emma. The difference was that Emma had returned and in returning had opened the floodgates to Regina's heart. Nothing could have prepared her for the way she felt losing Emma and nothing could have prepared her the way she felt at the blond coming back.

Yet despite the depths of her feelings she had no idea what to do about them. Neal had fawned over Emma, Hook had harassed her, Walsh had done whatever he had done in New York and Regina had done nothing to reveal how she felt. She wouldn't even know where to start. So for now she would carry on and use whatever situation was developing with the Wicked Witch to distract her. She would search for a way to regain Henry's memories and maybe when he remembered her there would be a clearer way forward for her and Emma.


End file.
